Secrets don't make friends.
The snake slides under my skin, into my nails and out of my nose.
It travels within, I feel its scales and its body like a hose.
It bites sometimes, and the venom does burn but I am still like a stone.
As sour as limes, forever will it churn, itching my blood, flesh and bone.
Oh, snake, why can you not keep still, must you twist and turn like so?
But yes, it is your maker’s will, for you have sinned, you have let go.
Dim light fills the darkest spaces,
and I see flickering beauty ahead.
The heart that was pulled from your chest now
lies clutched in your hands,
it is bruised and dripping blood
into a big, wet, crimson puddle.
Many times, I have tried to
fit it back into its place -
into that gaping hole that
flaps flesh in the breeze.
Many times I have tried to
heal those terrifying wounds
and keep you forever free from
the pain you never earned.
But of those many times I tried,
each time I only failed.
The cancer in me spread, yet
it was only you who could remove it.
And your wounds grew even more.
I had no wings to fly, yet
it was only you who held me high.
And your wounds grew even more.
And so, many more times I shall try again,
and many more times I may fail.
Your wounds may grow even more,
but justice will eventually prevail.
It is one thing to repeat a kindness
but to give what you never had…
That is nothing short of a miracle.
Everyday, you are a miracle.
The weight of your body seemed to mean nothing to me as I held it, flaccid, in my arms. Kneeling on the ground, I looked at this beautiful, flimsy pile of flesh that didn’t even vaguely resemble the magnificent body that it truly was, as it slowly and steadily turned blue.
To my horror, I noticed that it wasn’t only the your skin that was changing colour – the snakebite seemed to be also changing the colour of your eyes, and I studied them with more tentativeness than I have studied anything before, and with the kind of fervour I probably should have used when I was in college, because they were so yellow and so shiny. They looked like balls of glass, like your eyes had been replaced by solid marbles, the kind I played with as a child, and yet, as they stared back at me, it was in these two eyes of yours that I saw the only sign of the humanity you had left in you.
Hearing a horrible laughter that seemed to come from a million voices, I looked around the room I was in only to discover that it was filled with them – all these laughing faces, and I saw these all around me. Just laughing. Mocking me. I didn’t understand. So I did the only thing I knew how to do and I shouted. Again and again. At the top of my lungs, hoping this would change the way these people were looking at me. “Why won’t you help her?!” I yelled, letting the words bounce of the walls of the dark, empty room I had no recollection of entering.
I swear I could hear my heart break as I saw your skin turn a darker shade of blue and as your eyes pulled at my soul, like you were behind these glittery bright things, banging on the glass cage that confined you, begging for mercy.
Finally, two people emerged from the darkness, both dressed in white. They were horrifically similar in appearance though one was distinctly a female and the other, a male. As they approached, they eerily looked me in the eye and then swiftly turned their heads towards you.
“Are you ready?” one of them asked, the female, and to my astonishment, you replied.
“Yes.”
Darker blue.
With that one word, you caused my entire world to crumble. I had so many questions I would have liked answered, “Yes?” “Ready for what?” “What do you mean?”, and yet at the back of my mind, way, way in the back, where I keep everything I wish didn’t exist, I knew what was going on. I could feel my heart beating much faster than it should have been, and I shook my head in disbelief.
“Yes? Yes what? What is it, Jospehine?”
But your glistening eyes just stared through me. You weren’t even looking at me anymore.
Still, these mysterious people in white pushed on:
“Are you ready?”
And still, this beautiful person I loved more than anything and anyone in the world answered them:
“Yes. “
Darker blue.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. “No. No! She’s not ready!”
I hadn’t noticed until I looked at my hands, which seemed tiny in this big room, but I was trembling violently, and there was nothing I could do to calm myself down.
Shaking my head, I screamed, “Josephine! Don’t go! Please don’t go!” But of course, you didn’t reply, just looked on past me at the wall standing behind me.
I heard your last heartbeat.
I felt your last breath.
I saw you behind those so very yellow glass eyes waving goodbye.
And there it was – the moment my life ended, when I was standing in the middle of that big, great room I would never recognise, with these people I didn’t know, as the menacing laughter continued, watching you turn the darkest shade of blue.
Your fingers were cold, and I didn’t understand what it meant. I searched for meaning in your eyes; they always told me what wasn’t said and it made me smile, but this time, something was wrong. I looked into your eyes, begging to see what I wanted to see; what I’d seen so many times before: reassurance; truth; love. Instead, I saw nothing. Just a suffocating blank darkness – nothing. And it scared me.
I couldn’t stay there any longer. I couldn’t hold your hand for another second. It felt almost frozen against the concrete ground and I was afraid I’d snap your pretty fingers off if I squeezed them any tighter. But most of all, I couldn’t stand to stare into those empty eyes one more time. I knew that if I remained in that room, I’d upset myself even more. Uncountable thoughts filled my mind; it was all just too much, so I did the only thing I could and left.
As I sat there alone in the dark, the hurt was unbearable. I thought about the happiness and sorrow we’d been through together, but it only added to my pain. I considered crying my eyes out, and wailing out in agony, but the notion of it only made me angry at the possibility of me being that weak, so I locked those thoughts up inside and pretended there was nothing there to begin with.
The hands of time grasp,
and they grasp so tight,
so tight around the throat.
The struggle beats down,
beats down,
beats down.
The soul, so sad, so sensitive,
so very fragile and cold.
it leaves the frigid body,
it escapes, it sings.
The mind collapses,
and time, it dances,
though it meant anything but harm,
no harm,
no harm.
It meant no harm.
It’s sad.
How a person can steal another person’s soul,
torture it,
stretch it to it’s utmost limits and then some.
How a human being can have the will,
the indecency
to cause such pain and torment to another.
It is utterly and absolutely
horrifying.
To discover the true nature of our existance
and realize the degree of evil we can commit,
enough to cause the total damnation of one’s wellbeing,
the destruction that could tear you
to pieces.
How someone can treat another
so badly,
and in a way that even they themselves would not wish upon their individual
understanding of
life.
I simply cannot understand it.
Are we destined to fail?
Destined to abolish,
to eradicate
any kind of hope left in the world?
Anger.
The fiery demon that eats your soul,
sends you spiraling,
makes you want to explode,
destroying yourself and everything else,
biting at your insides,
urging you to shout.
Fight.
Scream.
Ward off whoever tries to “help”,
whoever pretends to care,
giving an absolutely appropriate cause
to slide that blade cross his throat,
to lodge that screwdriver into his head,
to pull that trigger with no regret,
leaving little room for guilt,
and no reason for remorse.
Or apologies.
But me?
I’m sorry.
Nothing’s ever wrong,
but if you understood the meaning of ‘nothing’,
you’d know the reason I cry.
You would comprehend and realize
it’s no use listening to my lies,
that there is no reason to trust my words,
for they come from my mouth,
and I am nothing but a speck on your glass.
Her eyelashes curl flirtatiously,
black just like the night.
And the eyes that beg forgiveness,
closed and out of sight.
Her lips are cherry red,
as if dressed up like a doll.
The smile that’s drenched in pain
peeled off – invisible to all.
Her heavy heart is cold as stone,
all her suffering drags it under.
The piercing cries that tug our minds,
resound just like the thunder.
The tears, they fall like lemondrops,
and those present begin to mourn.
She lays there so innocently,
almost begging to be reborn.
But true friends smile at the peaceful thought,
that she had fulfilled her quest.
Her head on the pillow, coffin tightly shut.
Her soul can finally rest.
Your eyes burn into me
like the flame of a thousand candles,
More brilliant than anything else I know.
They slit my throat
more deep than I can handle,
And I wish I could have you forever, but no –
The demons steal you away from me
when it’s most unexpected
I close my eyes, but you always kiss them goodnight.
It tortures me to see
the fiends so lovingly accepted,
And I curse you for making it all seem so right.
You soar across the sky,
endlessly promising a return,
So, I wait for you loyally, clutching everything you leave behind.
Sometimes it seems I wait forever,
watching the stars and how they burn,
And I vainly try to count the many a time you cross my mind.
I hate you for punishing me
for things I’d never do (take away the blame),
And for making my twisted insides crumble to the floor.
I try to run away
but in the end it’s all the same,
It’s always me needing you; everyday, more and more.
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